GoodBye

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

This is going to be my last post here Alhamdulillah. From now on Inshallah I will keep the location of my blog (some where else obviously) private Inshallah. This is because these notes and ideas are an ongoing conversation with my Lord, a means for me to rectify my thought process, to analyze my motives and progress, and to record what I consider beneficial so that I can benefit from it later or share it with others as I see fit Inshallah.

I think blogging is great but the intimacy of my thoughts, of my relationship with Allah; I want to reclaim that intimacy, to make it a private thing, the same way that a relationship with your husband is a very private matter.

I don’t think I had any readers, despite having shared it with a few selected others, but just in case, its best to end things here Inshallah.

Coming closer to Allah entails leaving the people and that which you desire that others have, and desiring only His company, His love, His appreciation, His recognition, His presence in your life. Well, I’m desperately desiring my Lord and desperately trying to be content with His provisions for me, without my nafs getting in the way. This process for me needs to be a private one Inshallah, at least for now.

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Battle Mode

As Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

I have entered into a battlefield. It is the scariest thing alive. Half of me is ready to flee, the remaining half is looking for excuses to flee and all of me is standing about in indecision, heart pumping and ready for the sprint of a life time.

I’m facing an enemy of a thousand and I tell you right now, my eman is so weak, it would take 3 to 9 of me to fight one of them! So to say that I’m out numbered is a gross exaggeration!

There is Iblis, the commander in chief, on his war steed, powerful, terrifying and looking undefeatable. Around him is a blood bath of severed limbs from those whom he has easily defeated. His piercing knowing eyes are fixed upon me. He knew I was coming, my puny self, and he is ready. He hated me before he saw me and my presence on this battle field is a laughing matter for him. Long ago he declared his enmity against my lowly self, weak and hasty he knew I was going to be.

On his left and right sides are his minions. Many are mounted upon war steeds, powerful, them and their horses’ SubhanAllah, scary too. Not to mention the numerous foot soldiers, all at the ready to attack should I choose to move one step forward. It’s almost like him and his minions can read my ambitions, my aspirations, my hopes and dreams and they rage to crush them. It is probably certain that they know my desires, have studied in depth my weak points, and have a plethora of tools to torture all goodness and pure intentions from me.

I’m scared. That is until I look around to my left and right. Then though my fear does not subside, courage returns. I remember why I came to the battle field in the first place. Alhamdulillah!

Right next to me, on my left and right are my two recording sentinels. They are ready to record my deeds of bravery, my valour, my self sacrifice, my pure actions. As soon as I intend and do them that is. Beyond them is the creation of Allah the Majestic. They, those who have submitted themselves with a complete submission, they are all on my side. They are rooting for me, cheering for me, encouraging me. They remind me that I am battle worthy and they show me long and detailed records of the numerous defeats of Iblis and his minions.

They remind me that after all, I did make it here. Not many do. Not many can. Not many are willing to. When I look at my cheerers, my well wishers, my eman is bolstered. After all, on my side are the giants like Prophet Ibrahim alayhe salaam. He opposed everything and left everything for the sake of His Lord. When His Lord called him to *aslim*, he said *aslamtu lirabbil ‘alameen* and thereafter, Allah chose him and raised him in ranks upon ranks.

Then there is Hajar umm Sulaiman alayhe salaam. She submitted to the command of Allah and settled in the desert, to raise her son in a pure environment for the pleasure of her Lord. And she never wavered in her belief in Allah and she knew He would save her and provide for her, so long as she made her part of the effort. And her Yaqeen was rewarded with Zamzam. A spring we still drink from today, tens of thousands of years later!

And of course, the fish and the trees, the beautiful creation of Allah are all on my side, supplicating for me, cheering for me, encouraging me, tell me to be unflagging and Allah will defeat Iblis for me.

Then I look up. Laila hailallah! What can I say! Power and strength floods into my heart and I become strong and ready. You see, my Lord is above me, far above me, above me and the 7 heavens. He is watching over me. He is there, providing for me, helping me. He is ever ready to assist me, to make my efforts bear fruit.

I’m ready. Let’s battle.

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

The next stage

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

I’m in a desert, vultures all around me, just waiting for that moment of weakness, that blink of unsurety, that fraction of a stumble, to jump upon me and finish me off. You see, I’m alone; no other human is with me that is. I know how it happened too. You see, there never was a human along with me. Not my mother, nor my father and certainly not my siblings. And even my husband… he wasn’t with me either, I just planted him in my imaginations to cool me and calm me. But now it’s all very clear. I started out on this journey alone and I will face the end also alone, no matter my desires, nor my dreams.

This is difficult for me you know. I’m such a needy person. I rely heavily upon others. I want their appreciation, I seem to need their love and I can’t live without their presence in my life. At least this is what I used to think. I mean before I realized that all that time I thought they were with me, these various people, they really weren’t there. They were just mirages, sustaining a mind that could not face the possibility of loneliness.

So how did I come to see the true state that I’m in? Truly it’s not a recent realization at all. I have always known, you know, deep down known, that I was alone. I had glimpses of this over the course of my life. Those days when no one understood me no matter how clear I made myself. Those times when even though I’m sitting with a group of others, I felt like I was in one plane and they were in another. Those moments when one of them tried to offer comfort or words of wisdom and by what they were saying, I knew they didn’t see me, didn’t understand me, and didn’t grasp my reality.

But it was too difficult to admit. So I would try to ignore those glimpses and instead draw the curtain of illusion back on. It was safe with that illusion you know. I didn’t feel hungry nor thirsty, for the images soothed and comforted me.

Yet now I know and at the last glimpse, I decided not to draw the curtain of illusion, teetering on the corner of my imagination, back. It is best I face reality for my end is near, too near to continue fooling myself.

I’m dying you know. Now, now, don’t be worried at all. I was always dying you know. Right from the beginning I have been dying, slowly. At first it was just parts of me. My cells would live then after a few months they would die and new ones would come and live for a few more months then die. This process is still ongoing. My skin is already dead. Well, at least the top part that everyone can see that is. Its dead you know, absolutely lifeless, containing no moisture, not dividing, its chromosomes and everything have been dead for a while. It is just waiting to be sloughed off is all. A decoration for a short time then off it goes to its grave somewhere unknown to me.

Death is really not that painful you know. It is just the part of not knowing what is going on, and what awaits you on the other side that’s really painful. I mean one’s soul is so content in this life because its what it knows and it is justifiably scared to move on to the next stage, the next life, the next phase so to speak. Sakaratul maut is all about the soul having difficulty leaving this life, this body, this familiar plane and going to the next one. You see, no matter how prepared you are for your next stage or next state in living, be it the grave or another continent or country or even SubhanAllah moving to the another city or house, you always find that you have forgotten something. Or that you have not prepared enough for the next stage/state. Or that what you were expecting and what actually is are two completely different realities and you are flabbergasted. How and why and SubhanAllah, ‘what are you going to do now’ kind of thing happens and sometimes it takes ages to recover and accept and move on.

Well. Since I now know that I’m dying then I’m not going to delude myself. And since I now know that my death is imminent, awaiting me at the turn of the corner, punctual and never late SubhanAllah, I should Inshallah work with diligence to prepare for it.

I may be in the desert, all alone, with nothing and no one for miles, but my Lord is with me, sustaining me and providing for me, and watching over me, and guiding me, and protecting me. Yes, only He is holding the vultures at bay. Only He is making my feet steadily moving, up, forward, down, up, forward, down. Only by His permission am I still alive, taking another breath, feeling another wave of heat from the burning sun, sensing my very existence.

Yet this is the perfect place to surrender and to let go. What better place to attain submission than on the plane where there is no choice but to submit. Instead of panicking, of crying out, of wishing to turn back, of decrying the decree of my Lord, I choose instead to stand and deliver so to speak. To do so willingly, happily, content that even in this deliverance, my Lord will be with me, helping me as usual, comforting me as always, and ensuring that the experience is as painless as needs be.

It is time.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Capturing a moment of thoughts

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

I'm happy but I’m sad... I love life but it is an overwhelming test for me, at every corner there resides treachery and evilness and going astray and Wallahi I’m reminded of the saying of Umar radhiallahu anhu who said that taqwa is like walking in a garden of thorns... one would do so with great care... that’s how it feels... that I’m in a garden...around me there are thorns, below me there is sticky mud, above me are beautiful roses I cannot seem to reach but they certainly tempt me and in front of me is a long narrow road, at the end of which I know there is escape from this garden to a world vast and wide... but o' how far is the end (seemingly that is) and how sharp are the thorns and how sweet is the scent of the flowers and how tiring is the sticky mud to move one foot then the next then the next...
May Allah help me…

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Tips to Self

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Tips:

• Avoid large gatherings
• Avoid fame and being sought after
• Avoid the love of others and their praise
• Avoid being known and being remembered
• Avoid that which others fight for
• Avoid being noticed

• Give secretly
• Love secretly
• Pray secretly
• Spend secretly
• Learn secretly
• Share secretly
• Surrender secretly

• Rush to forgiveness
• Rush to the thinking of good of others
• Rush to silence
• Rush to generosity, even just in thought and dua

• The soul belongs to Allah so purify it for His sake
• The body belongs to the earth, so restrain its desires
• The deeds belong to me, so beautify them in order to enjoy their companionship

Advice:

You have only one enemy. His name is Iblis. If you defeat this one enemy, you will have eternal success. If he defeats you, you will have eternal damnation. Seek Allah’s help as you are incapable of defeating him without it. Do not let him misguide you thinking that you have any other enemy, be they situations or people, or desires or expectations. Be steadfast in seeking Allah’s help against him and you will succeed as there exists plenty of record that though formidable of an enemy he is, he can most certainly be defeated.

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Bettering the Self

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Subhanllah we are forgetful beings and may Allah forgive us ameen. It is a known fact that Allah will show mercy to the one who is merciful in this dunia to His creation. It is also known that when your brother/sister asks for forgiveness, it becomes incumbent upon you to forgive them and to try your best to do this with as much speed as possible because everyone hopes for forgiveness from Allah and how can we expect forgiveness if we are unable to be forgiving? Further to that, it is known that a Muslim should make up to seventy excuses for her/his fellow Muslim and try to assume the best of their actions and words. Allah orders us to forgive and forbear with patience in all situations as much as we can Inshallah.

Sisterhood is not built on hopes and expectations alone. It is a real struggle, based on kindness and generosity from all parties involved. It is something that takes time and each one must struggle while hoping in Allah for a goodly reward for their efforts. Loving for the sake of Allah means in part that we must remove our pride, we must forbear against those who hurt us, we must overlook mistakes, forgive and show mercy even in situations where harshness may be the uppermost desire.

Anger for our own sake is something to be avoided as much as possible as this anger is not reward worthy, and we should strive to be angry only for the sake of Allah. Our nafs should strive to overcome anger and disappointment on our own behalf, because others have hurt us or demonized us or let us down, or something similar. Our example is the Rasul of Allah, Muhammad salallahu alayhe wasalaam. He never got upset on his own account, even when others tried to humiliate him, call him names, spread slander about him or his family. He was most kind, generous and the only time he was hard and angry or upset is when the right of Allah was usurped or threatened. The rest of the time, he would advice his companions to restrain their anger, to pardon, to forgive and forbear, to overlook, to show leniency, to make excuses for other’s mistakes, to try and find the good in the person or the situation etc.

Therefore, I remind myself that:

• I am foremost amongst those who forget
• I am often in error and even more filled with mistakes
• I am usually in the wrong
• My heart should be softened towards my brothers and sisters
• I should seek with a hard seeking the good in others and the bad in myself
• I should admonish and rectify my own wrongs for they are many and varied
• I should suspect my own nafs first and last and assume only the best of others
• There are 70 excuses laying around, waiting to be found, for each wrong I presume to have been done upon me
• My sister/brother is better than me in the sight of Allah for surely he/she sin less than I do
• My sister/brother has less pride/envy/jealousy/vanity than I do and they are certainly less arrogant in all matters than myself
• My sister/brother is smarter/kinder/more generous, more repentant, and generally a better believer than I am may Allah bless her/him and forgive me.
• I should thank those who criticize me and make dua for Allah to bless them for their kindness in wanting me to improve myself in my akhlaq
• I should be happy to seek forgiveness, to humble myself, and to be lowly in the sight of others
• I should strive to be a thing forgotten in this world and steer far of the pleasure of others
• My goal is Akhira, my desire is to please Allah alone, and my reward is His Paradise. Nothing else should I seek for nor should please me but this Inshallah
• Kindness and goodness begets kindness and goodness

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Big Ugly Birds

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Sins are like a big ugly bird, with a sharp beak, pecking away at the scattered good deeds. Peck! Peck! Peck, the bird goes. It remains ever vigilant, looming in the horizon, growing bigger from eating my good deeds, sometimes laying eggs that hatch quickly to make more big ugly birds with sharp beaks, multiplying to wipe away whatever goodness I may have worked hard to earn. Filling the landscape until nothing can be seen but their sharp beaks pecking away, a sore sight for sore eyes SubhanAllah!

This atrocity continues until I repent, sincerely and truthfully, intending only good and being steadfast upon it. Then Allah sweeps these birds away and wipes everything clean and my sight is restored, blackness is replaced so all is clean, white, and pure. A fresh landscape free of big ugly birds, and their ugly feathers and chicks, who like to peck away at my few yet precious plants of goodness.

Sigh…

Wa alaykum salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu