In Preparation...

GoodBye

2008-06-16T02:42:00.000-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

This is going to be my last post here Alhamdulillah. From now on Inshallah I will keep the location of my blog (some where else obviously) private Inshallah. This is because these notes and ideas are an ongoing conversation with my Lord, a means for me to rectify my thought process, to analyze my motives and progress, and to record what I consider beneficial so that I can benefit from it later or share it with others as I see fit Inshallah.

I think blogging is great but the intimacy of my thoughts, of my relationship with Allah; I want to reclaim that intimacy, to make it a private thing, the same way that a relationship with your husband is a very private matter.

I don’t think I had any readers, despite having shared it with a few selected others, but just in case, its best to end things here Inshallah.

Coming closer to Allah entails leaving the people and that which you desire that others have, and desiring only His company, His love, His appreciation, His recognition, His presence in your life. Well, I’m desperately desiring my Lord and desperately trying to be content with His provisions for me, without my nafs getting in the way. This process for me needs to be a private one Inshallah, at least for now.

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Battle Mode

2008-06-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

As Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

I have entered into a battlefield. It is the scariest thing alive. Half of me is ready to flee, the remaining half is looking for excuses to flee and all of me is standing about in indecision, heart pumping and ready for the sprint of a life time.

I’m facing an enemy of a thousand and I tell you right now, my eman is so weak, it would take 3 to 9 of me to fight one of them! So to say that I’m out numbered is a gross exaggeration!

There is Iblis, the commander in chief, on his war steed, powerful, terrifying and looking undefeatable. Around him is a blood bath of severed limbs from those whom he has easily defeated. His piercing knowing eyes are fixed upon me. He knew I was coming, my puny self, and he is ready. He hated me before he saw me and my presence on this battle field is a laughing matter for him. Long ago he declared his enmity against my lowly self, weak and hasty he knew I was going to be.

On his left and right sides are his minions. Many are mounted upon war steeds, powerful, them and their horses’ SubhanAllah, scary too. Not to mention the numerous foot soldiers, all at the ready to attack should I choose to move one step forward. It’s almost like him and his minions can read my ambitions, my aspirations, my hopes and dreams and they rage to crush them. It is probably certain that they know my desires, have studied in depth my weak points, and have a plethora of tools to torture all goodness and pure intentions from me.

I’m scared. That is until I look around to my left and right. Then though my fear does not subside, courage returns. I remember why I came to the battle field in the first place. Alhamdulillah!

Right next to me, on my left and right are my two recording sentinels. They are ready to record my deeds of bravery, my valour, my self sacrifice, my pure actions. As soon as I intend and do them that is. Beyond them is the creation of Allah the Majestic. They, those who have submitted themselves with a complete submission, they are all on my side. They are rooting for me, cheering for me, encouraging me. They remind me that I am battle worthy and they show me long and detailed records of the numerous defeats of Iblis and his minions.

They remind me that after all, I did make it here. Not many do. Not many can. Not many are willing to. When I look at my cheerers, my well wishers, my eman is bolstered. After all, on my side are the giants like Prophet Ibrahim alayhe salaam. He opposed everything and left everything for the sake of His Lord. When His Lord called him to *aslim*, he said *aslamtu lirabbil ‘alameen* and thereafter, Allah chose him and raised him in ranks upon ranks.

Then there is Hajar umm Sulaiman alayhe salaam. She submitted to the command of Allah and settled in the desert, to raise her son in a pure environment for the pleasure of her Lord. And she never wavered in her belief in Allah and she knew He would save her and provide for her, so long as she made her part of the effort. And her Yaqeen was rewarded with Zamzam. A spring we still drink from today, tens of thousands of years later!

And of course, the fish and the trees, the beautiful creation of Allah are all on my side, supplicating for me, cheering for me, encouraging me, tell me to be unflagging and Allah will defeat Iblis for me.

Then I look up. Laila hailallah! What can I say! Power and strength floods into my heart and I become strong and ready. You see, my Lord is above me, far above me, above me and the 7 heavens. He is watching over me. He is there, providing for me, helping me. He is ever ready to assist me, to make my efforts bear fruit.

I’m ready. Let’s battle.

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

The next stage

2008-06-10T02:01:00.000-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

I’m in a desert, vultures all around me, just waiting for that moment of weakness, that blink of unsurety, that fraction of a stumble, to jump upon me and finish me off. You see, I’m alone; no other human is with me that is. I know how it happened too. You see, there never was a human along with me. Not my mother, nor my father and certainly not my siblings. And even my husband… he wasn’t with me either, I just planted him in my imaginations to cool me and calm me. But now it’s all very clear. I started out on this journey alone and I will face the end also alone, no matter my desires, nor my dreams.

This is difficult for me you know. I’m such a needy person. I rely heavily upon others. I want their appreciation, I seem to need their love and I can’t live without their presence in my life. At least this is what I used to think. I mean before I realized that all that time I thought they were with me, these various people, they really weren’t there. They were just mirages, sustaining a mind that could not face the possibility of loneliness.

So how did I come to see the true state that I’m in? Truly it’s not a recent realization at all. I have always known, you know, deep down known, that I was alone. I had glimpses of this over the course of my life. Those days when no one understood me no matter how clear I made myself. Those times when even though I’m sitting with a group of others, I felt like I was in one plane and they were in another. Those moments when one of them tried to offer comfort or words of wisdom and by what they were saying, I knew they didn’t see me, didn’t understand me, and didn’t grasp my reality.

But it was too difficult to admit. So I would try to ignore those glimpses and instead draw the curtain of illusion back on. It was safe with that illusion you know. I didn’t feel hungry nor thirsty, for the images soothed and comforted me.

Yet now I know and at the last glimpse, I decided not to draw the curtain of illusion, teetering on the corner of my imagination, back. It is best I face reality for my end is near, too near to continue fooling myself.

I’m dying you know. Now, now, don’t be worried at all. I was always dying you know. Right from the beginning I have been dying, slowly. At first it was just parts of me. My cells would live then after a few months they would die and new ones would come and live for a few more months then die. This process is still ongoing. My skin is already dead. Well, at least the top part that everyone can see that is. Its dead you know, absolutely lifeless, containing no moisture, not dividing, its chromosomes and everything have been dead for a while. It is just waiting to be sloughed off is all. A decoration for a short time then off it goes to its grave somewhere unknown to me.

Death is really not that painful you know. It is just the part of not knowing what is going on, and what awaits you on the other side that’s really painful. I mean one’s soul is so content in this life because its what it knows and it is justifiably scared to move on to the next stage, the next life, the next phase so to speak. Sakaratul maut is all about the soul having difficulty leaving this life, this body, this familiar plane and going to the next one. You see, no matter how prepared you are for your next stage or next state in living, be it the grave or another continent or country or even SubhanAllah moving to the another city or house, you always find that you have forgotten something. Or that you have not prepared enough for the next stage/state. Or that what you were expecting and what actually is are two completely different realities and you are flabbergasted. How and why and SubhanAllah, ‘what are you going to do now’ kind of thing happens and sometimes it takes ages to recover and accept and move on.

Well. Since I now know that I’m dying then I’m not going to delude myself. And since I now know that my death is imminent, awaiting me at the turn of the corner, punctual and never late SubhanAllah, I should Inshallah work with diligence to prepare for it.

I may be in the desert, all alone, with nothing and no one for miles, but my Lord is with me, sustaining me and providing for me, and watching over me, and guiding me, and protecting me. Yes, only He is holding the vultures at bay. Only He is making my feet steadily moving, up, forward, down, up, forward, down. Only by His permission am I still alive, taking another breath, feeling another wave of heat from the burning sun, sensing my very existence.

Yet this is the perfect place to surrender and to let go. What better place to attain submission than on the plane where there is no choice but to submit. Instead of panicking, of crying out, of wishing to turn back, of decrying the decree of my Lord, I choose instead to stand and deliver so to speak. To do so willingly, happily, content that even in this deliverance, my Lord will be with me, helping me as usual, comforting me as always, and ensuring that the experience is as painless as needs be.

It is time.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Capturing a moment of thoughts

2008-06-02T01:43:00.001-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

I'm happy but I’m sad... I love life but it is an overwhelming test for me, at every corner there resides treachery and evilness and going astray and Wallahi I’m reminded of the saying of Umar radhiallahu anhu who said that taqwa is like walking in a garden of thorns... one would do so with great care... that’s how it feels... that I’m in a garden...around me there are thorns, below me there is sticky mud, above me are beautiful roses I cannot seem to reach but they certainly tempt me and in front of me is a long narrow road, at the end of which I know there is escape from this garden to a world vast and wide... but o' how far is the end (seemingly that is) and how sharp are the thorns and how sweet is the scent of the flowers and how tiring is the sticky mud to move one foot then the next then the next...
May Allah help me…

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Tips to Self

2008-05-29T05:17:00.000-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Tips:

Avoid large gatherings
Avoid fame and being sought after
Avoid the love of others and their praise
Avoid being known and being remembered
Avoid that which others fight for
Avoid being noticed

Give secretly
Love secretly
Pray secretly
Spend secretly
Learn secretly
Share secretly
Surrender secretly

Rush to forgiveness
Rush to the thinking of good of others
Rush to silence
Rush to generosity, even just in thought and dua

The soul belongs to Allah so purify it for His sake
The body belongs to the earth, so restrain its desires
The deeds belong to me, so beautify them in order to enjoy their companionship

Advice:

You have only one enemy. His name is Iblis. If you defeat this one enemy, you will have eternal success. If he defeats you, you will have eternal damnation. Seek Allah’s help as you are incapable of defeating him without it. Do not let him misguide you thinking that you have any other enemy, be they situations or people, or desires or expectations. Be steadfast in seeking Allah’s help against him and you will succeed as there exists plenty of record that though formidable of an enemy he is, he can most certainly be defeated.

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Bettering the Self

2008-05-28T02:40:00.001-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Subhanllah we are forgetful beings and may Allah forgive us ameen. It is a known fact that Allah will show mercy to the one who is merciful in this dunia to His creation. It is also known that when your brother/sister asks for forgiveness, it becomes incumbent upon you to forgive them and to try your best to do this with as much speed as possible because everyone hopes for forgiveness from Allah and how can we expect forgiveness if we are unable to be forgiving? Further to that, it is known that a Muslim should make up to seventy excuses for her/his fellow Muslim and try to assume the best of their actions and words. Allah orders us to forgive and forbear with patience in all situations as much as we can Inshallah.

Sisterhood is not built on hopes and expectations alone. It is a real struggle, based on kindness and generosity from all parties involved. It is something that takes time and each one must struggle while hoping in Allah for a goodly reward for their efforts. Loving for the sake of Allah means in part that we must remove our pride, we must forbear against those who hurt us, we must overlook mistakes, forgive and show mercy even in situations where harshness may be the uppermost desire.

Anger for our own sake is something to be avoided as much as possible as this anger is not reward worthy, and we should strive to be angry only for the sake of Allah. Our nafs should strive to overcome anger and disappointment on our own behalf, because others have hurt us or demonized us or let us down, or something similar. Our example is the Rasul of Allah, Muhammad salallahu alayhe wasalaam. He never got upset on his own account, even when others tried to humiliate him, call him names, spread slander about him or his family. He was most kind, generous and the only time he was hard and angry or upset is when the right of Allah was usurped or threatened. The rest of the time, he would advice his companions to restrain their anger, to pardon, to forgive and forbear, to overlook, to show leniency, to make excuses for other’s mistakes, to try and find the good in the person or the situation etc.

Therefore, I remind myself that:

I am foremost amongst those who forget
I am often in error and even more filled with mistakes
I am usually in the wrong
My heart should be softened towards my brothers and sisters
I should seek with a hard seeking the good in others and the bad in myself
I should admonish and rectify my own wrongs for they are many and varied
I should suspect my own nafs first and last and assume only the best of others
There are 70 excuses laying around, waiting to be found, for each wrong I presume to have been done upon me
My sister/brother is better than me in the sight of Allah for surely he/she sin less than I do
My sister/brother has less pride/envy/jealousy/vanity than I do and they are certainly less arrogant in all matters than myself
My sister/brother is smarter/kinder/more generous, more repentant, and generally a better believer than I am may Allah bless her/him and forgive me.
I should thank those who criticize me and make dua for Allah to bless them for their kindness in wanting me to improve myself in my akhlaq
I should be happy to seek forgiveness, to humble myself, and to be lowly in the sight of others
I should strive to be a thing forgotten in this world and steer far of the pleasure of others
My goal is Akhira, my desire is to please Allah alone, and my reward is His Paradise. Nothing else should I seek for nor should please me but this Inshallah
Kindness and goodness begets kindness and goodness

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Big Ugly Birds

2008-05-28T02:32:00.000-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Sins are like a big ugly bird, with a sharp beak, pecking away at the scattered good deeds. Peck! Peck! Peck, the bird goes. It remains ever vigilant, looming in the horizon, growing bigger from eating my good deeds, sometimes laying eggs that hatch quickly to make more big ugly birds with sharp beaks, multiplying to wipe away whatever goodness I may have worked hard to earn. Filling the landscape until nothing can be seen but their sharp beaks pecking away, a sore sight for sore eyes SubhanAllah!

This atrocity continues until I repent, sincerely and truthfully, intending only good and being steadfast upon it. Then Allah sweeps these birds away and wipes everything clean and my sight is restored, blackness is replaced so all is clean, white, and pure. A fresh landscape free of big ugly birds, and their ugly feathers and chicks, who like to peck away at my few yet precious plants of goodness.

Sigh…

Wa alaykum salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Repenting to Allah

2008-05-27T01:45:00.001-07:00

AsSalam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

This morning I was on my way to work and thinking deeply as to be honest, I have not slept well since the sister contacted me about how I have upset/hurt her feelings. And I was thinking that SubhanAllah, how I find it difficult to sleep and be at ease when I have hurt a human being’s feelings by saying something that they found hurtful, how much so it should be for saying/doing some actions that upset my Lord.

I was thinking SubhanAllah, just knowing that the sister is unhappy with me, hurts me and upsets me and makes my whole day an unhappy event. If I was to know or suspect that Allah is displeased with me, SubhanAllah I think I would lose it completely. So I hastened to repent and seek my Lord’s forgiveness. And then rely upon the ahadeeth of the RasulAllah salallahu alayhe wasalaam that Inshallah as my repentance is Inshallah sincere, then Allah will accept it and go back to being pleased with me.

You know it absolutely shatters me to think that my Lord may be displeased with me. I cant eat, sleep, think or anything when the thought occupies me that Allah is unhappy with me, is angry with me, is upset with me, is displeased with me for reason at all stemming from my corrupt flawed selfish acts and thoughts. I don’t want to live anymore or be a thing remembered or even created when I think that Allah doesn’t like me anymore or is displeased with me in some way. I hasten to repent to Him, to seek His forgiveness, to beg for His mercy, to call upon Him by His beautiful names, to repent again and again for nothing in this life, nor its pleasure, nor is its beauty worth that my Lord find me displeasing SubhanAllah.

Ya Allah, the Forgiving One who loves to Forgive, please Forgive me. Ya Pardoner, who loves to Pardon, please Pardon me. Ya Allah, At Tawwab, who loves to accept repentance, please ya Rabb accept my humble repentance and wipe me of sins and remove my face from the fire and what is attached to it from the fire ameen.

But honestly right, amazing that hurting a human being and upsetting them and not being sure that they have forgiven you and suspecting that they are displeased with you, can make one’s heart feel so heavy and the tears so easy to come by. Imagine how much worse that same heart would and should feel on account of displeasing Allah? Subhanallah.

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Learning from Mistakes

2008-05-27T01:43:00.000-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

You live and learn then you make mistakes and you learn then you repeat them and then you start thinking, maybe you never learned at all and the whole cycle can be very depressing SubhanAllah.

The other day, I saw a sister and in the course of conversation, I said something that while I meant one thing, she understood it differently and therein we parted ways.

Later on she let me know about this and I tried to apologize and it may be that she accepted the apology and chalked it up to a misunderstanding but I think that you can usually tell when someone is back to being ok with you and when someone doesn’t want anything more to do with you.

Well, it felt more like the latter than the former. This upset me because, well, she is a good sister MashaAllah, strong and able, speaking her mind, very knowledgeable, and certainly a joy to be around MashaAllah. Also, we are often of the same mind, though I cannot say that we were particularly friends as we had not known each other for long, among other reasons.

So what has that got to do with learning and making mistakes? Two things: One, this is the not the first time her and myself have been at odds over something one of us has said. It may be that way of speaking and expressing ourselves in general is different thereby leading to different understanding of stated matter. Or it may be that both our personalities are very strong and without intending it, try to dominate the other even on simple matters. Or it just may be that we haven’t known each other long enough to form correct interpretation of each other’s ways of interacting and therein lays the rub. Only Allah knows and may He guide us to what is better and forgive us where we forget ourselves ameen.

Two being that, because expectations of the self in matters and situations are not other's expectations in those same matters and situations, we have to be very careful Inshallah. Sometimes, you understand or see a situation only based on your perspective, your experience, your exposure, and your understanding of it. Sadly but truthfully, often your way of seeing things and understanding them can be very different from the other person, even though you are in the same room or face to face. By this I mean that, no one knows your intentions, ever really. Even if you make them crystal clear, no one can guarantee they have perfect knowledge of your intentions. As such, we have to be very careful with what we say and do from our thoughts and intentions because easily can something be misconstrued to be something else entirely, something you were not even cognizant could be derived from your words or actions.

So I have to try and learn, again, because apparently I didn’t learn this lesson enough or perfectly yet. That before you say words or take an action that will involve others, especially in personal way, it is best to check two things. What is the intention/purpose of the word/action (what do you hope it will achieve) and how do you expect this word/action to be understood or up taken or accepted or interpreted. It is true that you cannot foresee all eventualities but at least take some stock of the most likely possibilities before you say the word/do the action. In addition to taking such judicious steps, one must always Taqullah, because only He takes care of the outcome.

But by exercising these two aspects for any word/action you will be doing, you can eliminate Inshallah most, if not all of the potential pitfalls of misunderstanding that permeate our world today, especially in our personal relationships with those we love.

I pray I have learned my lesson and will put it to practice more and more Inshallah. I also pray that Allah forgive me for hurting His servant (the sister) and bless her in her endeavors ameen.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

My current status

2008-05-25T03:53:00.001-07:00

AsSalam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Every body is better than me. Everyone is smarter than me. Their eman is deeper, their knowledge of Allah is more, their level of Islam is higher and their Taqwa is stronger. They have more khushu in their prayer, are more thankful to Allah, treat others better, accord others more rights, sin a lot less than me, and they are friendlier and gentler than me in all situations.

I wish I was better and so I have to struggle really hard to improve myself Subhanallah. May Allah forgive me and not be angry with me Ameen.

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

A thought on Dua'

2008-05-23T02:44:00.001-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Dua for me is a conversation with my Lord. When I am making dua, I feel that I am talking to Allah, and that He is right there, listening to me, guiding me to say the best of things, and helping me to avoid the wrong things. I wish I had this awareness all the time. Maybe I need to try and be in a state of dua for as many hours of the day as I can, Inshallah in order to make the awareness a constant thing in my life, not just in times of need or something. This is certainly something to contemplate about Inshallah and try to implement. And with Allah lies all success, in every good intention and venture Inshallah.

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Dua

2008-05-23T02:30:00.000-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Ya Allah, I ask You for a generous rizq from Your vast stores. Please send this rizq to me along with sincere patience and sincere gratitude. Always send for me a rizq permeated with these two companions so that I may remain on Your Path. AMEEN

Ya Allah, guide me to Your pleasure and forgive me my sins, errors, defects, and faults aplenty. Elevate my eman and strengthen my Taqwa and cause generosity and mercy for Your creation to settle upon my heart. AMEEN

Ya Allah, I ask You for:

Patience in my trails
Gratitude in my successes
Contentment in my provisions
Consistency in my faith
Strength in my taqwa
Steadfastness in my submission
Generosity in my giving
Sincerity in my devotion
Joy in my servitude
Humbleness in intentions
Alert in my remembrance

Ya Allah, I ask You for these because none else can provide them, and because I want to perfect my character for our appointment meeting so You may be pleased with me Inshallah. AMEEN

Ya Allah please forgive me, guide me, have mercy upon me, purify me, turn my heart ever towards you, come between me and my nafs or desires, let no creation have a part of my heart that belongs rightly to You, and be with me while I’m with Your servants so I may not err nor be misguided nor misguide others nor withhold their rights nor oppress nor have these things done to me. Pardon my faults, blot out my iniquities, and do not test me by my sins instead forgive them and guide me to that which will speed their forgiveness and elimination. AMEEN

Ya Allah, You have power over all things, all things belong to you yet You belong to none of them, Your lineage is the most prestigious because it is unique, unequalled, unsurpassed, inaccessible and completely independent, You have no beginning nor an ending and Your majesty is all pervasive. AMEEN

Ya Allah, know that serving You is my most beloved goal, my one ambition, my ultimate interest, worthy of any sacrifice, and a joy of all the joys of this world for me. For me, if I don’t have You and if I cant serve You, then there is no point in living, in even being a being at all and dust particles are better than me. AMEEN

Ya Allah, often I forget and get distracted, the zooming fly may occupy my first moment then a tantalizing smell the next and the third finds me busy chatting about nonsense. Yet my love never leaves me nor does it disappear nor end. Please forgive me my inattention and decreased faculties and instead, stretch those moments that I spend purposefully in Your presence, with awareness and love and humility. AMEEN

Ya Allah, thank You for my hearing and my seeing and my comprehension. Thank You for my parents and family. Thank You for friends and enemies, for people I love and can love and for those I dislike and please make this love or this hate to be based only on the criterion that you have established for me Inshallah. AMEEN

Ya Allah, thank You for what You have given me and what You have withheld from me. Thank You for what I know and what I dont know, and always increase me in beneficial knowledge. Thank you that I am who I am, living where I am living, in the situations that are part of my life, and in and for everything that makes a part of me, whether known or unknown to me. AMEEN

Ya Allah, my heart and what is hidden therein are open contents for you, You know their beginning and ending, their purpose, their afflictions, their perfection, and with You lies the knowledge of their success or failure. I ask you to multiply the good therein, and cause it to reach me while in a state of joyful thankfulness to You and I ask You to eliminate and purify me from the evil therein, and to cause me to be free of it while in this life and to never meet it in the hereafter. AMEEN

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Some thoughts

2008-05-22T01:13:00.001-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

I need to sit, relax and write Inshallah as I have been having so many thoughts and ideas and Shaytan keeps stealing my time and covering my intentions for writing and I, shame on me, have been letting him get away with it. May Allah forgive me.

The other day I attended a talk about time and time management. Well the talker didn’t really speak in details about time management but was more concerned to tell us that we should Inshallah work to manage our time better and not abuse time as per the hadith that Allah is time (I forget where, but Inshallah will look it up and edit this later on Inshallah).

Its so true that we shouldn’t say we don’t have time because Wallahi Allah has ordained 24 hours in a day, for everyone, Muslim and non, obedient and non, and cognizant and non, so we will be saying a lie against Allah if we say that we don’t have enough time or something.

I mean if you think about it, your entire life span has been ordained and organized, along with the deeds and situations in it, for maximum benefit to your Akhira. So it is just better to be honest and say we are not managing our time better or we are being lazy or something similar because the fault lies in us, not in the Planner who is the Best of Planners.

Ok, that’s one thought Alhamdulillah. Another one is sort of choppy right now because its been excited by recent events though it has been an off and on thing for a while now. Once, a few months ago, I finally sat down and wrote about my reasons for Hijra, which I have been day dreaming about since 2001 or thereabouts (I forget now miskeena).

On Wednesday, a sister I know texted that she is leaving the country, moving to her husband’s country, for good Inshallah. That is she is making Hijra. For me it was very sudden though not upsetting, well except for the part where I wished I was going with her or that it was me saying this MashaAllah. She had one day to sort things and would be leaving the next day. You can imagine my excitement for her.

Later when the details were made clear, sufficient to say that she had been praying about this for a while MashaAllah and Allah has rewarded her with a clear and unambiguous answer, leaving for her no option but to act upon the long time intention MashaAllah. Of course the situation is not as ideal as one would like because her dh cannot be with her full time for the time being. However, Inshallah we make dua that Allah will reward them and unite them and strengthen their bonds on account of this sacrifice. I have to say that I don’t know of any other thing that grows bonds strongly and quickly as sacrificing and struggling together does Alhamdulillah. So it is hoped that they will be stronger partners and parents in the long run on account of this great sacrifice.

If you think about it, it is almost like the woman is playing Hajar Zawjat Ibrahim and Ibrahim alayhe salaam with their son Ismail alayhe salaam. For the sake of Allah, to please Allah, and to obey and implement the command of Allah, Ibrahim alayhe salaam took his wife with a small baby to the deserted lands of Arabia. When he, alayhe salaam left them, he did so in the hands of Allah Subhana wa taAllah, and the wife, she was patient. When she knew this was for Allah, that this was best for her son to grow up to be a prophet of Allah Inshallah, she sacrificed. She sacrificed the comforts of being a wife, of having a companion, of having her son grow up with a full time father. And for this Allah rewarded her so that today, thousands of years later, we are enacting one of her acts of desperation, again for the sake of her saving her child.

So for this sister and all the other sisters I know in a similar situation, of living in the country of their husbands without their husbands, who are back here working and saving, I certainly pray for them to have the sabr and fortitude of Hajar, may Allah be pleased with her.

Something else on my mind is the difficulty of keeping intentions pure. I have been really struggling with this and obviously, with Shaytan ever vigilant, I’m unable to say that I have achieved any degree of success. Because for each intention I make and each deed I undertake, he comes along to try and ruin it, not just at the beginning either, at all times throughout the doing of the deed and even after SubhanAllah. Hatred and anger at this enemy of mine are small words compared to what I really feel against him.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Allah loves me

2008-05-08T00:31:00.000-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

I was in the bus today, memorizing my Al Baqarah and noted the page number was 19 and the last ayat number on that page is 126 I believe. Wallah then I went off on a tangent thinking so many things, all based on how Allah has been so Merciful to me. It has not been a full month yet, it will be 30 days on the 11^th of this month, and I have nearly completed one full Juz of the Quran and from Al Baqarah to boot. Its like one of those miracles you hear about but always think it will never happen to you, if even it happened SubhanAllah.

Well the miracle has happened, at least in the past 3 weeks, Allah has allowed me to memorize 18 pages or so, to read from His Book up to 20 pages a day (as recitation), and has helped me to revise what I have learned already as well as to read surah Al Mulk and surah Al Kahf in their respective times (Al Mulk more recently obviously and may Allah accept my repentance and make me steadfast upon its nightly recitation ameen).

So a sample of what I was thinking Inshallah is that how undeserving I am, how low, how worthless, how SubhanAllah with all my sins and sinning, I’m no better than the cockroach I stepped on a few days back astaghfirullah. This obviously brought on the thought of how Merciful is Allah that by His Mercy and His Love, He has saved me, again and again, from my self, from my worthless, low, undeserving, misguided, poor self. How Allah, Wallahi, took me from the trash bin of this world, chose me, purified me, and saved me from the misery of this life. Lailaha ila Allah Muhammad ar Rasul Allah!

He okotad me, zoad me from the disgusting filth that was my pride and possession back then and after lifting me to an upright position and wiping me clean, He purified me with a purification that I can still feel inside me and that still brings tears to my eyes. Then He married me to one of His servants that He was pleased with. Then when He judged I was strong enough, He tested me and I nearly succumbed but then He stepped in and rescued me and showed me the Truth and forgave me and helped me to persevere, to use prayer and dua, and to increase in Taqwa and Remembrance. When He was pleased with my progress, He rewarded me with a reward of such magnitude that if He had withheld, I could not have complained and because He had given, I cannot thank Him enough though I will continue to try my best Inshallah.

After this, I forgot myself and became lost, I forgot to remember Allah and was led astray by my weak nafs, by letting the Shaytan exploit my emotions and influence my outlook. Before I knew it, I found myself holding on to a heart that was hard, an eman that was weak, a body that was resistant to obedience, and a mind that preferred luxury and comfort. I became undeserving yet Allah is Ever Merciful, Compassionate, Clement, Oft Returning, Pardoning, Forgiving, Loving, Protecting, Ever Aware, All Seeing and All Knowing.

By these attributes, He decided to save me again from coming closer and closer to the fire. I could even feel it yet I seemed helpless to help myself and that is because I cannot help myself. Only Allah can help me and can help anyone who wishes for this help, who asks for it Inshallah. After this severe torment, where I felt tormented, unhappy, desolate, shut off, and generally excluded, Allah led me and guided me to the way to open that door again, to reach out to Him again. So I grabbed hold and I held on at first weakly, still in a confused state, but we all know the Hadith Qudsi where Allah promises that if we take a step to Him, He takes 10 steps towards us. Well this hadith is true and Allah’s promise is true.

So Allah led me to that which will cause Him to forgive me and tested me and purified me and Inshallah forgave me. In this instance I noticed that while I was working to return to Allah’s side, some things were withheld from me, possibly as a test or possibly as a punishment. Either way, I came to accept them and be content with them and seek forgiveness and to repent wherever the tests became severe. I also came to realize that truly I am a weak person, given to over emotionality for things that can only lead me to the fire and should not really affect me in the first instance.

While I was trying to combat this, Allah finally brought me to the place, to the garden where I could start again to cultivate my eman, to grow my Taqwa, to increase my repentance. Within a few weeks of some hard work, I could feel my garden growing and improving and starting to look worthy of being called a garden, not a weed patch anymore.

Allah again stepped in and sent His reinforcements to my door, His soldiers to remind me, to help me, to guide me, to accompany me. As my eman improved and my reliance upon Allah strengthen, Allah then rewarded me again, rewarded me for having accepted His Help and Mercy. Allah is after all Ash-Shakur, the One Most Able to Appreciate thanks.

Today as I sat in the bus and I reflected upon the various attributes of my Lord, who I know with a certainty now, that He loves me and wants me to succeed, I started to cry. They were hot tears, spilling without neither sound nor force from these lowly eyes, eyes that have been trying to remain lowered and to avoid that which will burn them. They were tears that came from the heart, tears that washed away another possible doubt or uncertainty. Allah loves me. He loves me. Do you know what that means to me? Nothing can compare to the Happiness of being Loved by Allah. All I want now is to meet this Being who Loves me, who Helps me, who Forgives me and shows me how to seek forgiveness and gives me the opportunities, numerous and varied to seek forgiveness. You know how I know that Allah truly loves me? Because He has allowed me to memorize His words, not a little bit at a time nor a little surah at a time. No, because Allah has blessed me to memorize Al Baqarah, to memorize it fast and have the steadfast intention to complete His book. Further to this, I know now also, with a certainty, a real Yaqeen, not an aspired to Yaqeen but a real one, that nothing will satisfy me but seeing His Face.

I was thinking, just the words of my Lord makes me feel happy, opens my heart, expands my outlook, frees me and elevates me to planes never before even thought of. Just reading His words opens me up and now memorizing His words and revising them daily, makes me feel rich, content, happy, open, free, unfettered, beautiful. Memorizing His words, has increased me in ways one cannot imagine, even myself I cannot express nor do I even know all the ways that I have been bettered SubhanAllah.

So know that if His words are this beautiful, this powerful, this evocative, this calming, this elevating, this empowering, this freeing, can you imagine His paradise? It must be unimaginable to this little limited mind of mine for sure. Yet it is something to be aspired to because who would know about it, know about its perfection, its beautify, is greatness and not aspire to enter it, to live in it, to dwell therein. And if His paradise is enough to cause one to leave this world even though they are still leaving in it (zuhd), then His face must be manifold magnificent. Being in His Presence must be the Ultimate for it is from Him that all things came forth. SubhanAllah.

So I urge myself because I know I will Inshallah read these words again in the near future. I urge myself to keep memorizing, even just a few lines a day, to keep revising, and to keep reciting the words of Al-Kabeer, Ar-Rahman because these words will free me. Free me from the love of this world, free me from the fire, and free me from pride, for they will remind me. Remind me that I am fallible, that I am created, that I have nothing that He does not give me in the first instance. These words are the rope to hold on to, the straight road to success, and the means to achieve that desired end of meeting the Maker/Speaker of these words.

I urge myself to remember my Lord daily, to thank Him daily, to repent to Him daily, to seek His forgiveness and Mercy daily, to take refuge in His beautiful names and attributes constantly. I urge myself to place Allah between me and my heart’s desires. I urge myself to unveil my true self to Allah for He knows everything already and nothing is hidden from Him whatsoever. I urge myself to watch my intentions and to purify them for the goal is only to Allah for that is the final return and the final meeting anyway. I urge myself to remember my brothers and sisters to my Lord, who has power over and above all things, through and through, completely. I urge myself to remember that I am asfala safeleen except when I believe and I do good deeds, only then can I be among those whom Allah says about them falahum ajruhum khayrun mamnoon.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Death is a Mercy

2008-04-28T04:20:00.000-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Death is a Rahma from Allah because an endless life is purposeless and actually quite inhumane and a punishment really. I mean if you had a life that obviously had a beginning but had no end, how horrible would that be. Imagine other things also began but never ended, imprisonment, rain, summer heat, a broken heart, growing old. That just seems like a nightmare to me.

People fear death but they also actually look forward to it and expect it and know its coming. They may prefer to not think about it, to not prepare for it, to not think about what comes after, but all of their living indicates only one thing, that they are expecting death.

Look at the one who wants to love. He fears dying never having loved and so goes out every night in search of a person to love. Others go from woman to woman; wanting to experience as many women as possible before death over takes them. The very old are very aware of death and sometimes are just waiting for it. Also the very depressed, the very hungry, the life time prisoners, etc are all waiting for death. The ones who want to make their life really full with all kinds of things and not miss out on anything from this life are also doing it because they are expecting and are aware of death coming.

With the exception of children and the mentally incapacitated, everyone is aware of death and that its coming and usually, all of us plan our life with this understanding. For example, you would hear a woman say, I want to graduate college, then work for a little bit, then get married and after a few years have children with my husband. After raising them and they are off to college and their lives, I want to enjoy life travelling and doing all the things I didn’t get to do when I’m young or busy raising children. After I hope that I die along with my husband, a painless death, maybe while sleeping so I never feel a thing.

Actually many people have such ideas and dreams and thoughts and usually their whole life is organized based on death coming. Everyone thinks of death as a natural conclusion to life, thought nearly everyone wants death to not be so sudden and unexpected, nor for it to come any earlier than after they have enjoyed life fully and feel ready to die.

The thing that upsets people the most is the discussion of death because it not only inevitable which nearly everyone has accepted, but it is sudden and unplanned and final, which nearly everyone dislikes and wishes they could change.

The other thing that people have expectations on is that they have a good ending and that they will end up at a good place, be that a restful sleep in the grave for an endless time or a paradise, or a higher caste as in the Hindu or nirvana as in the Buddhist etc. Even those who flippantly say they will go to Hell actually expect that Hell is either not such a bad place and will be full of devilish fun or they expect that they will be staying in this Hell of a short time and then checking out to Paradise or a better place of rest and ease.

Nearly no one in this world considers that the end of their life here may very well be the beginning of their misery. Nearly no one wants to consider that there are only two final destinations after this world, and they are an either or option for the most part. Nearly no one wants to contemplate that Hell is very real, very painful, full of torment, and that it is as endless as Paradise.

Because of this, nearly no one is scared of death as a step closer to the Hell fire. Most are scared of death because it puts a stop to their enjoyment and fun, to their life in this world, which they consider to be the only real life. Most people do not realize or are unwilling to realize that this is not the real life. Most people refuse to realize that this life is but an illusion, a mirage, a work of art so beautiful that is seems real and endless.

Amazingly enough, we are surrounded by death and dying and ending and we also surrounded by revival and living and life SubhanAllah. Look at a rose. At first it is not in existence then all of a sudden you look and there is a budding rose and a few days later it is in beautiful tear inducing bloom. Whether you pick it and enjoy it or you leave it on the tree and enjoy it, within a few more days, it starts to die. You see its gorgeous petals, so perfectly opened and soft and dewy are starting to dry and then to rot and become black and wilted. Then each petal falls and only the naked exposed center is left and then it also goes and you see no rose there anymore. The whole process takes just a few weeks. Life and death in front of your eyes and Wallahi throughout that whole time, you could neither make the rose come to life faster, nor to bloom faster, and nor could you slow its wilting and dying. You simply stood by and watched helplessly, a fascinated bystander.

Some of us take the lesson intended in the rose, we know that at one point we were not even mentioned, and then we came to life all weak and helpless. Before you knew it, we were strong and beautiful, full of life, majestic, exuding confidence and power and youthful vigour. As the time passed however, we started wilting slowly, then more rapidly and more encompassing. Soon, we will die just like the rose died. We will expire and will become no more. A few will remember us then those few they will also die then no one will remember except maybe to take an advice or give a lesson.

Some of us, do not consider the rose to be of any importance except when it is in bloom and only if we want to smell it or decorate with it or to give it as a token of our affection to a loved one. We don’t reflect that we are also a rose and will pass just like the rose has passed.

To be continued inshallah

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

A Gentle Parting

2008-04-28T04:17:00.000-07:00

Salaam alaykum wa Rahamtullah wa Barakatu

When we are parting from our loved ones, be they our husbands, parents, children, sisters/brothers and friends, we should part with kindness, with loving words, with softness in our hearts.

We should part with them with the firm knowledge that this parting may be the last ever parting, the last ever meeting, the last ever viewing until Resurrection day. We should fill our last moments with kind and loving words, express our love and tenderness for each other, forgive each other and erase hard feelings before we walk out that door, for it may be the last walking we do.

We are Muslims, we love Allah and we are expecting to meet Him at any time, without warning, without delay, without exception. Our last deeds should be the best deeds and each deed may be your last so each one should be beautifully executed and done so for the sake of Pleasing Allah alone.

We as Muslims should part with forgiveness and mercy in hopes that Allah will forgive us our sins and be merciful towards us on that very heavy day. Tenderness is a gift from Allah, we should not hoard it and be miserly with it for it does not belong to us anyway. So is Mercy, Forgiveness, Generosity, and Love.

Even if we are upset with the person we are parting with, we should try our best to clean our heart of that anger because only the Shaytan excites anger in us and wants us to have an evil ending. We should say to them that though we don’t agree with them and reserve the right to bring up the topic at a later point if still felt at necessary on that later date, that in this parting, we are striving for forgiveness, mercy, kindness, tenderness and love. And that we are doing so only because we know that Allah is pleased with these qualities and rewards them far better than righteous anger and vengeance.

If we all kept in mind that this can be the last time you see your husband, or your child, or your parent, or your sister/brother/friend, how would you truly act towards them. Would you want to part from them while they know you are still displeased with them? Would you want to part from them while knowing you are upset with them and feel they owe you something? I am guessing the answer is a no.

I pray all of us meet Allah with Mercy in our hearts so He may be Merciful to us, with Forgiveness for others and Repentance for our misdeeds so He may be Forgiving to us and accept our Repentance, and with Fear of His Wrath and Punishment so He may greet us with the assurance of His Pleasure and Reward amen.

May Allah guide us from self righteousness, from selfish anger, from arrogant pride, from haraam jealously and from vain envy.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

A Great Present

2008-04-28T04:16:00.001-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

If you want to give a really great useful present, buy your loved one a present that keeps on giving, a present that will act as sadaqa jariah for him/her and it will meet the person on Yawmul Qiyamah and may just be the thing that saves them from the Fire’s clutches.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Dying

2008-04-11T01:44:00.000-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Last night I received a call from my sister K. It was one very scary phone call because when my dh handed me the phone, I could not hear her clearly but I heard her mention my brother’s name. She said something like A something or other and I heard her as saying that A was either in trauma with a major accident or was dead or dying. I don’t know why I heard this but wallah this is what I heard.

Subhanallah I thought I was going to pass out. When I was hearing her saying this, because she wasn’t being very clear on the phone on account on mumbling (turns out she was at work and didn’t want to speak loudly/clearly), I kept on urging her to speak louder, better, clearer. When she still wasn’t, I asked her what is the matter with A? what happened to A?

Finally, when she spoke clearly enough, I was able to tell that she is telling me that A is very upset because him and his girlfriend broke up and he was devastated. Subhanallah I nearly swooned in my relief and my dh had to hold me from behind. It was really a moment of revelation if you think about it you know. For me anyway. I mean up to this point, I don’t know, I just never thought of my brother dying. He is 7 years younger than me, strong and very healthy mashallah. And he has so much vitality and life in him that its difficult to picture him or think of him as dying but we all know death is not discriminatory at all subhanallah. But it had just never occurred to me to think about him dying. Well I did then and I cant seem to let it go, even though I know that he’s ok now mashallah.

So later that same day, I called my brother and I spoke to him about the situation, I mean him being broken up with his girlfriend of I think 5 years. As it turns out they are not broken up yet, just thinking about it because the girlfriend has developed a tendre for another man and doesn’t know what to do.

I spoke at length with him about the whole thing and assured him (as did my dh also) that Allah has in store for him much better and bigger things so he need not pine away at something that may not be good for him Inshallah. We also invited him to come to stay with us for a while and even offered to pay for his ticket. I don’t know if he will take us up on our offer. Or on our advice, seeing as he’s not even sure if there is a God and if there is one, he is not sure what kind of GOD He is and what exactly He wants from him and for him.

So I spent the rest of my conversation trying to call him to the Tawheed of Allah, using proofs that he is able to understand and Alhamdulillah he seemed to understand the proofs but I think his mind was just not there you know. He was thinking about his situation and was not able to see the bigger picture.

I ask and beg Allah to guide him Inshallah because without Allah bestowing mercy upon this brother of mine, upon any of us, we are lost, all lost and our affair is not worth mentioning because it is too painful subhanallah. I am very scared and worried in general about my family anyway because while they are muslim, I don’t know what type of muslim they are. I say this because surely they have not entered into Islam perfectly and wholly and submissively completely. They love Allah but they don’t know Him the way they should nor seem bothered that they don’t know Him the way He wants to be known. They love Islam and defend it as a great religion but eschew some or many or all of the practices that make you a muslim and establish your right upon Allah. They know and can read the quran and revere it as a great book but they do not implement it in their lives, nor does it touch them when it is recited, except maybe minimally, nor do they rush to its obedience as Allah has ordained.

When they are reminded to read the quran they say later, to pray then say not now or say they don’t know, or say they pray their own way to Allah. When they are reminded of Allah’s punishement they say it will not touch them but for a bit, or Allah is most merciful and will forgive them, or they remind the one reminding them that punishemetnn is for the disbeliever and they are not disbelievers, or sometimes, they say, yes we will be punished, but then do nothing to alleviate this upcoming punishement. They do not seem to fear the punishement or they take its implementation lightly. Or worse, they round upon the one doing the reminder and tell her she does not know what is in their hearts or she does not know how Allah will treat them or that she does not know if she herself is going to escape the punishement. And sometimes, they round upon the one doing the reminder and they remind her that there is no assurance that her version of Islam, a very strict version according to them, is the correct one anyway. Or that once she used to not be practicing as she is practicing now. Or that they take their Islam from their fore father who were more correct and more knowledgeable than she is. Or that she is young and easily misled and is misguided about true Islam. Or that the deen is in the heart. And so many other reminders, some that make sense and some that don’t and some that are hurtful and some that are just so far out there one becomes nonplused.

The one doing the reminder does not wish to say nor imply that her family is going to the hellfire. She simply fears that they are going to the fire, just as much as she fears that she herself is going to the fire, unless and until Allah is made supreme in their lives as well as in hers. This is her best understanding Inshallah. That if Allah is not supreme in one’s life, then hellfire is incumbent upon the person. Until Allah and His Messenger (salallahu alayhe wasalaam) are more beloved to the person, and their commands are implemented with love and belief and complete obedience, then the person has not attained eman and if they have not attained eman, what is left?

Sigh… people are in at my work and talking about who knows what so I cant think anymore. Alhamdulillah for quiet mornings.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahamtullah wa Barakatu

Returning to Work

2008-04-04T00:00:00.001-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

I’m back at work after a nice long maternity leave Alhamdulillah and I’m having mixed emotions, especially since my daughter is sick this first week of me being back at work. I’m content with the decree of Allah because I know I have to work and my reasons are known to Allah best and understood somewhat by those involved mashallah Alhamdulillah.

Here are some of my thoughts on the matter Inshallah, posted in several different forums and collated here for coherence Inshallah.

i'm starting my job again on monday and am very nervous subhanallah. after staying home all this time with dd, returning to work is not only an unpleasant reality but something that has finally arrived.
alhamdulillah i thank Allah for giving me 10 months at home subhanallah, eight of them spent with dd and wallah she has grown so much and is healthy and doing really well. best of all, her father has sacrificed his job and will be staying at home to mind her during the day while i work until Allah finds another way for us inshallah. he has started a night job for a couple of hours a day and enjoys it so alhamdulillah for that mashallah.
so i have no terrible sense of upsetness in terms of leaving baby cuz dh will be minding her and continuing my efforts unstintingly alhamdulillah. wallah its such a ne'ema from Allah and all praise and thanks belong to Him.
on the bright side to returning to work, i'll be more on the net without baby competing for the key board and climbing over me and wanting this and that etc. so inshallah i'll have the time to post more, to research more, and to resume some of my outside duties relating to propagating islam more inshallah and success is sought only from Allah inshallah.
well sisters... i pray all the moms who are working for one reason or another are kept steadfast and blessed for their efforts and that Allah forgive us and keep purifying our intentions and improving our circumstances ameen.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Fearing Hell

2008-04-03T00:23:00.000-07:00

As Salaam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

In this life, there are trials and tribulations. These help us to be sin free if we meet the conditions set out by Allah and explained by the Rasul (salallahu alayhe wasalaam). They also help us to earn good deeds, be raised in rank, be increased in honour, and come closer to Allah and His Pleasure.

There are no real punishments per se in this life, yet some of the trials and tribulations seem like punishments and make us feel like we are being punished. This is neither here nor there though and not what I want to talk about today Inshallah.

Today I want to talk about those of us who remain calm in the face of the clear promise of Allah to punish us for our sins, from among the major and from among the minor. I want to say that I am AMAZED that our hearts and souls are calm and collected and going about life as if all is normal and ok. HOW is this even possible?

When a small trial afflicts us, such that we have a cold with a runny nose, a bit of cough, and some head ache or sinus pain, you will hear us moaning and groaning and complaining and generally being quite irritable. Even the most patient of us, will whine at least once, even if just to the self.

Yet Allah’s punishment consists of a blazing fire that is so hot and consuming, Allah saw fit to give it several extremely descriptive names. His punishments also includes chains and shackles, humiliation, boiling drink, freezing drink, pus for drink, dhari3’ (a very bitter fruit), leaves from the tree of Zaqqum, and other atrocious things. The worst bit about His punishment is that it is virtually endless and has absolutely no time concept attached to it. Additionally, it also contains elements of humiliation, psychological abuse, self chastisement, anger at the self for landing in such a horrible situation and other painfully unthinkable punishments.

And yet we are calm. We are not afraid. We do not try to run away from the potential of landing in such a horrible endless timeless position.

When a thorn pricks us, we flinch at the pain, and proceed to nurse that area for as long as the pain is there. We may even complain and share that pain with others. The prospect of a car running us over is enough to cause us to stare keenly both ways several times just in case, in hopes of avoiding such an accident. We put bath mats in our bathtubs so we may not slip. We put nets on our beds or windows so the mosquitoes wont come in to bite us and cause painful and itchy bumps or worse yet, malaria, which might just kills us. We hold our children’s hands so they don’t run helter skelter and meet an accident. We put “gates” in our house so the kids wont play and potentially fall of the stairs. We carefully sterilize our baby’s bottles so that they wont catch an infection. We avoid our sick friends like the plague because we don’t want to catch what they have and hence be in pain.

We are careful around a hot stove and double check we shut the gas off for fear of an explosion. We don’t burn candles near the curtain or something that may catch a fire to avoid a fire that my either kills us or send us into financial ruin, which would be nearly as painful.

And you can think of many more examples. Our whole life is spent trying to avoid pain and discomfort, as much as possible. When we are sick we go to the doc to get medication, at least to get rid of the pain and better yet to cure the disease. We don’t want our loved ones to die because that just hurts us too much because we just miss them so much.

Wallahi, we are terrified of the various pains of this world, big and small, recurrent or brand new, acute or chronic. We take pains and lots and lots of steps to avoid any potential pitfalls that may lead us to be in pain, physically or abstractly.

Yet Allah’s punishment, the pain He can and will inflict to us, the terror contained in His names such as Al Malik or Al ‘3Adl or Al Ghani’. SubhanAllah, His is the Kingdom and He owns all in it including us and He can do anything to us and there would be absolutely no opposition to Him. Can you imagine that there would be no one to run to? No one who can help you, protect you, or cover you? He is the one free of need SubhanAllah. He is not in need of you and He can destroy you without any problems and His kingdom would not be decreased nor will any of His servants help you nor be able to help you if they actually wanted.

And we are not afraid. We exhibit absolutely no terror. We are calm. Our actions are normal. SubhanAllah, for most of us, the idea an encounter with the police is enough to have us not approach crime. The idea that maybe we will be caught and sent to jail, wallahi, most citizens of any country would avoid crime just for this fear. Yet the human prison is made of brick and mortar. They serve food, give books and have TV for the inmates of even the strictest of jails. You get a shower, special food if you request it for your health, books, a chaplain of your religion, maybe even a counsellor and certainly visitation rights to the family for the most part. It’s basically being in a mini hotel and a bit far from your family.

Yet Allah’s prison, Jahannam is painfully and endlessly hot, its inhabitants are screaming their lungs out yet no relief is in sight. There is neither edible food nor drink and all requests are ridiculed and rebuked. Regularly you have prison guards questioning you in a most disturbing manner and you find yourself unable but to answer. Your flesh is uncovered and burnt thru and thru, over and over again. Your skin is replaced with new fresh skin for continual burning painful sensation that does not cease nor get better nor become easier to tolerate.

Yet we are calm. Hell is a joke for us. You see people saying “Hell” as a curse, when they are displeased with something. You hear others invoke it as a fun place, saying things like “I know I’m going to hell, so what!” as if it’s a bad country or dirty street to be passed quickly and painlessly.

So you can see why I am amazed right. I mean how come our flesh is not rippling with fear? Why is it that our hearts are not racing and skipping various beats? SubhanAllah we are more afraid of test results than we are of Allah’s punishment!

Is it because we don’t think it is real? Is it because we take Allah as a joke? Is it because we may not even believe in Him really and truly? You know, as if He is sort of just a convenient belief to have in times when it seems prudent to have a God or something to believe in but generally, in our daily life, He is not important? I don’t know, I’m just wondering…

But it’s a scary prospect… It is scary that our hearts my not be truly believing. That they may not have truly submitted to Him, that we don’t accept His existence at all. That we consider ourselves free willed living beings, here for some purposeless reason, maybe to enjoy ourselves, maybe to find a purpose, maybe to just be kind to each other, but then we will become dust and useless bones, only good for telling time lapses to our future generations.

Maybe we think our purpose is to find a purpose and then realize it so that future generations can find it easier to live and manage. Sort of like the 20^th and 21^st century people relied on past centuries of information to make the many inventions they did and so are able to live a better life than their fore fathers. Or maybe we think like those fools think, that we are one huge experiment by some alien race living just beyond our scope of seeing and hearing.

I don’t know what we think but we need to rethink things over and review our whole understanding of Allah. He is real, His promises are real, His paradise and reward and pleasure are real, as much as His hell, and punishment and wrath are real. Not only does He exist, He definitely created us and is definitely watching us and hearing everything, even the things we don’t dare to utter, He hears them, knows them and their origin, and is aware of their termination, always way before us.

If we don’t know or aren’t sure or are confused, then we should find out more and the first place to look is the Quran. They are His words sent to us for the purpose of guiding us and healing us from our confusion and misguidance and many other sicknesses as He knows about and we don’t know about. In the Quran, we will find all of our answers and all doubt should disappear because in that book, there is no doubt, no error, no misguidance, to mistake, and no room for negotiation nor escape. It is a book to be embraced, in it lay all the answers a human being could possibly need, and in it is to be found guidance pure and clear, leading to the most perfect of places.

If on the other hand we reject this guidance, this Quran. If we run away from it and if we hate it and if we consider it useless or if we only find it useful in some occasions and not others, then we have lost everything and Allah only knows if we will ever find anything at the end of our life but His punishment, reserved for those who reject. If we come to the conclusion that most of it does not apply to our life or is of no use to us or if we think the Quran has no purpose other than as a symbol of some status or belief, then we lost and the fire roars of us.

SubhanAllah. I’m so amazed, I don’t think I can write some more you know. I mean, think, the fire will wrap itself around our fingers and our hands and our feet and envelop our faces and our whole body. It will be like a tent over us, individually, eating us endlessly. Our cries will be of no avail and our pleadings will be rejected and rebuked and the shame and humiliation will be ours doubly, first because we followed and preferred our own desires and second because we followed others in preferring their own desires. As the time passess, endlessly if we can even understand that, our hearts will coonvult in self anger and wrath, that our life that we thought was so prized in this world, of which only minutes of it can we remember, has landed us in this unimaginable but extra real place. We will be furious that we did not spend those precious minutes we had in life worshipping Allah, loving Him, finding ways to please Him, calling to Him, reading His words, getting to know Him, obeying Him and working at our outmost, to stay on His good side.

I ask us today, today this minute, to stop. Stop what we are doing if is not worship and loving Allah. To stop and to run to the Quran and pick it up and start reading it. It is the Rope of Allah and He has promised that whomever holds firmly to His rope will not go astray. We need to get our hands on this rope. In it there is guidance, around it there are multitude who have preceeded us, pleased with their Lord’s promise and well pleasing to the Lord for their actions and steadfastness. We need to run from this world, from the delusion that there is any real comfort in this life, that it is a painless life and should be pursued with intent. We need to reconceptualise our goals, and orient all of them towards the only goal worth pursuing, and that is the Pleasure of Allah. We need to revise our actions and make them revolve around the attainment of this one single most important central goal.

It is true some of us have commitments and I’m not suggesting we give up our commitments, at least not right away, but the intention to change precedes everything so we need to work on that first. Our hearts must want to change, must desire to be closer to Allah, to make Him number one, over and above ourselves and our own self serving interests. Plus, all actions are by intention and intention is an affair of the heart so we need to make our hearts ready and willing and all else will follow naturally.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Heavy Heart

2008-04-02T14:52:00.001-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Wallahi I’m having the biggest mental block and Wallahi I know its because I sinned today. Maybe it was pride or maybe it was some words I should not have said or maybe it was back biting or participating in back biting or not forbidding evil and enjoining good. Maybe ya Rabb it was Riyaa of something or jealosy for something of this dunia. Ya Allah forgive me completely, purify me.

My heart is resistant to the truthful fact that I did most certainly do and say and intend things today that were not pure, nor were they truthful, nor were they pleasant. And Allah you know that my heart and thoughts are such that I canot put them on a plate and parade them in the market today. Ugliness has taken residence again, creeping so very insidiously into my weak heart and staining it quickly black.

Ya Allah do not let the Ran to remain but efface it, then polish the area and make my heart as new, a vessel shiny and bright, filled with your rememberance. Wallahi I do not lie but say that my heart feels heavy, I know on it is a dead weight of sins multiplied. I can feel this organ, this engine thudding heavily along because the dunia has entered it and set camp while I allowed and helped.

Ya Allah, this is my repentance: please forgive me though undeserving I am.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Asking with Joy

2008-04-02T14:50:00.001-07:00

Salaam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Ok, here is an idea for you. Asking Allah to grant you something of your desire, in the most beautiful and perfect and consistent and continuous of manners, without 1) thinking that you deserve it at all 2) expect that He is obliged to answer since you asked so nicely 3) having pride in your effort at all. At the same time, asking Allah to grant you something you desire or think you need desperately, while 1) loving your life just as it is now, without the addition of this new thing 2) being thankful for all the favours, countless favours that make up the pieces of your life 3) having full contentment in Allah, His provisions, and His decree, whether you like it and find it easy or not. And finally, asking Allah to grant you from His bounties, fully knowing that 1) with Him are the treasures and stores and the counts of everything 2) none has a share in being able to grant you anything unless Allah wills and gives permission 3) the matter of granting is easy for Allah, though He may choose for with-hold 4) if Allah with-holds, it is for your best and will benefit your akhira or facilitate your entry to His garden of delight.

I’m talking about asking while having joy in the heart, certainty in the soul, and contented patience evident in your intentions and actions, both inwardly and outwardly Inshallah. I’m sure it is not a new concept at all but I just managed to grasp its delight last night while I was cleaning my kitchen. Allah has blessed me with a wonderful kitchen, a source of many epiphanies when it comes to the practicality of this complete and perfect deen MashaAllah Alhamdulillah.

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

HomeSch Mairiyam

2008-03-27T16:24:00.000-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

How soon can you start home schooling? Well I think M is ready inshallah. I mean at 8 months, her brain is picking up lots of words, different behaviors and ideas, and ways of expression etc.

For example (making my case here ok):

When she doesn’t want something and is frustrated that I keep forcing it on her, she indicates it with a forceful expulsion of air.

When I put the vocabulary builder video for her that does word associations, she spends the entire 30 minutes glued on it and if I were to repeat it, she would spend the following 30 minutes carefully watching it.

When the Adhaan comes on, she stops whatever she is doing, listens attentively and coos or says something like aaaa after each call is made. And after when the dua is recited, she repeats after it also. She does this even when dh recites the Adhaan to her.

She loves books, absolutely loves them and goes gaga over books unlike any thing else.

She is very interactive and picks up on moods from people all the time. If I’m crying she tries to soothe me and the other night dh was having a stomach upset and was bent over on the kitchen table and dd was looking at him with great concern Mashallah.

So… what do you think? Is she ready? Well I think so inshallah. I mean one cant start too early and one cant make a mistake if they teach with love and care and let the child lead the teaching, at least at this stage inshallah.

So… what is the plan now inshallah… well… I was thinking…

Every morning I should do the vocabulary builder video. Its really great. The only problem is its English, not a language I want her to pick up first and also it has resounding renditions of mozarts and swan lake… sigh… I just wish I could turn the sound off you know!

Then at some point during the day, when her interest is piqued, read a book to her, repeating the same book over and over.

Also, I noticed when I’m memorizing out loud and repeating the ayats/words over and over again, she seems to stop and listen and later on seems very soothed by those same ayats… so maybe I can include her in my memorization. Obviously not for her to memorize… I’ll wait a bit inshallah for that, but for her to hear the sounds/words being repeated often, while I’m looking at her so she can watch my mouth. Oh I forgot to list it but usually when we recite to her face, she tries to twist her tongue and mouth to follow the recitation. Like when I say Allah to her or another short phrase mashallah. At first dh didn’t think it would do anything but now he works just as hard if not harder to say Islamic words to her face so she would repeat along mashallah Alhamdulillah.

If my efforts are paying off in a couple of months, I will go ahead and buy her some of those Arabic letters and a drawing board and basically officially start her learning the Quran. We cant start too early as I’ve said before.

My goal for her inshallah is that by the age of three, she is reading and writing and doing simple arithmetics. Also, that she be full of enthusiasm and desire to explore and learn, while maintaining focus and single minded pursuit of goals. I also want her to have inshallah juz 30 memorized, or at least the first half of it inshallah. This juz I plan on doing it for her mostly by reciting to her, tapes/cds, etc.

After three years old inshallah when she can read, I inshallah plan on working with her to help her hifdh the rest of the quran, using reading in addition to sound/oral as tool and success is only from Allah so that’s where we are seeking it Alhamdulillah.

You see, my goal for myself is to have the quran fully memorized by the time she is turning three years or nearly there inshallah, as that’s just 28 months from now Subhanallah. And I know if I, an old woman compared to her, can memorize in about 3 years, so can she. Yes she will be very young but I’ve seen it and I know she can do it. The failing is not in the brain and ability that Allah has naturally endowed her (and all children with) but in the parents. Parents often fail their children because its too inconvenient, because it takes too much time and effort to focus and concentrate, and because of self interest and lack of dedication and ability to sacrifice for the greater good. And the greater good is to achieve Allah’s pleasure and inculcate in our children the same dedication and desire inshallah.

Now, I’m not a fanatic or nothing though I’m sure some would beg to differ. My dd is a normal child Mashallah, with no defects or challenges that I can see to slow her down. Allah has been merciful to me and dh in this Alhamdulillah and I see no reason whatsoever, except for being lazy and bored with Allah’s bounties, to not help our daughter hifdh the Quran in a few years’ time inshallah. The earlier we start the better and the sooner she completes the better inshallah. I have seen many a 4 year old reciting whole songs full of curses and adult language with such pose and grace and everyone doesn’t think anything is wrong with that. Yet the idea of having a 4 years old reciting surah Rahman scares people… shame on us!.

Anyway, enough venting, I’m getting off my minbar now. However, I hope I have made a case for us parents to rush to teach our children Allah’s words, their importance in our lives, and to help them to memorize them inshallah. Plus, if the parent is working to memorize, the child normally will. Just like if the parent is determined she is gonna pray all her salat, the child automatically will follow… until the parent tells her, “oh sweety, your young yet, you don’t have to pray, if you want, go play”. Subhanallah, Allah gave her the natural inclination to follow you in good and you are turning her away… laila hailallah.

Just as my dd loves to play with the computer and the phone, because she sees me on them as well as because its part of her natural curiosity, so would she love to read and recite the book of Allah if she seems me on it daily. So its actually a challenge to myself and to us parents. That if we want our children to hifdh the Quran with serious intention, we must show seriousness in it. If we want them to read extensively the Islamic literature, we must show intensity in our reading of these books. If we want our children to love the Masjid we must go and take them there. If we want our daughters to love the hijab, we must wear it with pride, talk about it with pride and truly love it with our hearts.

Anyway, I said I’d get off my minbar so here I am off now Alhamdulillah. So inshallah I have to sit with dh as he’s gonna be staying with her during the day when I work, to come up with a rough program outline inshallah that we will both try to follow in helping M to maximize on her potential inshallah. Dh has to get on the program and find some Arabic/Islamic DVDs to teach M with inshallah as wallah she is picking up things so fast its amazing to us Subhanallah.

Ok.. I’m off to bed to contemplate what to do next.

Ps. I was thinking… I want to hifdh Quran, hifdh some Hadith, especially the ones Muslim and Bukhari agree on, hifdh Hadith Qudsi, and read up and become very familiar with Riyadhu Saliheen and the 40 nawawi inshallah. I also want to read the history of Islam, read the tafsir of the Quran and remember as much of it as possible, then sit quietly and wallow in ma’ariful Quran. I find it very helpful Mashallah. These are my goals and inshallah I plan on sharing them with dd as she grows and help her to formulate her own goals along these same lines inshallah. However, for her, the world will be more open inshallah as she would be able inshallah to read Arabic fluently with understanding so can access so much more than me and inshallah she can teach me. Maybe later she can consider translating some of the Arabic texts to English for people like me, who love Islamic knowledge but find it so limited in English. And Allah knows best about all matters and success is only by Allah so we beseech Him for it and we ask that He send His peace and blessings to His messenger the Rasul Allah, Muhammad salallahu alayhe wasalaam.

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu.

Mission Memorization

2008-03-23T15:14:00.000-07:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah

I want to memorize the Quran inshallah in order:

To earn Allah’s Pleasure

To remember Allah with His Words

To open my heart because Quran makes me feel not constrained

To have more suras to recite

To earn the reward of each letter

To teach other and inspire them

To pass it on to my kids

To make tafsir and translation more meaningful

To love Allah more

Goal for memorizing inshallah for this year:

To perfect juz ‘amma

To perfect Maryam

To finish Al-Kahf

To finish Yasin

To start on Al-Baqarah

To continue through juz tabarak

Tips to staying on Track inshallah:

Review goals regularly

Review progress regularly

Review the method your using to memorize regularly

Have smaller goals daily

Read the meaning of the portion you are memorizing

Read the tafsir of the portion you are memorizing

Work with a partner and check each other often

Keep the success or failure to yourself

Have someone check your memory of new ayats every day

Make dua’ for stronger memory

Seek forgiveness

Practice the surah or ayats in nawafil and Sunnah prayers

Share the parts you are memorizing with others

Contemplate the parts your are memorizing

Where are the Muslims

2008-03-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

As Salaam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

The Non-Muslims send the same charity that we do, actually, they send better charity, and advocate louder and stronger and more effectively for our brothers and sisters than we do. Truly we have loved life and its glitter and we have hated death and its causes so much so that we have come to view jihad fisabilillah as an extreme solution to what we have deemed a simple situation.

We have eaten the drivel of the west controlled media and bought into their man-made solutions and means of achieving solutions, such as *peace talks*, *elections*, and *democratic governments*, to the exclusion of the Sunnah way of governing with *Shura councils* and *jihad fisabilillah*.

Today, almost invariably our leaders are not our most scholastic, nor our most pious, nor those who adhere strictly to the Sunnah to the extent that these leaders and may Allah the Merciful and the Beneficent guide them, prefer to talk democracy and compromise with the non believers who are actually Mushriks of one order or another.

And where are the Muslims? Those who love Allah and hate the enemies of Allah? Today as Muslims we love Allah and we love His enemies also. We cant deny it because our actions speak volumes. We run to their countries, we beg for their paper work, we pay taxes to their corrupt governments, which we know goes, at least in part, to killing our families, our mothers and children and brothers whom we have left behind. On top of that, we sit on our Minbars preaching to our oppressed brethren that they should expect oppression and the only way to escape it is to become “westernized” and “civilized” etc. Indeed, where are the Muslims?

And where are the Believers, whose who are humble and kind and soft spoken and generous with fellow believers, yet severe and harsh and uncompromising of the, right of the Deen of Allah, to the disbelievers? And where are the Righteous, those with Taqwa, who fear Allah so much they dare not look at a wrong thing let alone approach it? Where are the Muttaquns who live as if they see Allah and know always that Allah is watching them? How come they aren’t afraid of Allah’s reprisal but fear the Kuffar? Or they fear Ahlul-Kitab? Rijaal like them, bleeding if cut, of the same mode, born of women, and created and nurtured from a sperm drop? Where are the Muttaquns?

I’m afraid they are near buried under the heavy rhetoric, the pandering speeches, and the piles and mountains of gold that Allah has blessed the Muslims with. Ya Allah!! I call upon you to make me strong and steadfast for I stand with my brethren in the same near forgetful stupor at the fortress of the Kuffar, begging for their scraps. Though my souls desire it, and oh how easy to tune off the pain of my fellow Muslims, I truly desire not to be subservient to my family’s killers. So please find a way for me and us our Lord and take us through that path and make us steadfast and accept our witness for you.

Ya Allah,do not let my actions nor my prayers be of no worth, but use me to give victory where You will. Though I am first of the submitters, neither my living and my dying, nor my work, nor my sacrificing has been perfectly for You and You know best. Yet do not let me die till these four things are entirely and completely for You, with none created having even the smallest of shares therein.

Let me come to You a witness of the truth of your Message. A believer of Your promise and one who has fulfilled her covenant with You so that no error nor defect remain and Your Pleasure is guaranteed.

Forgive us.

Invitation

2008-02-21T08:43:00.000-08:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah
I wrote this to a non muslim hermana that I know from college... I have no idea if it will fly but success is with Allah and guidance comes only from Him.
I am putting it here because I inshallah plan on using it later as a template letter to others that I know inshallah.
I wrote the whole thing from my heart and knowledge so wherein there are mistakes, may Allah forgive me and show me the correct path always. ameen
***
inshallah this letter finds you in good health
i'm pleased to hear from you
i'm good alhamdulillah, here with mairi as usual
motherhood is one tasking responsibility tho on the quiet moments, it makes the heart swell with love and submission to the one who granted that responsibility (Allah)
your email found me on a reflective moment so i will write something of my thougths inshallah
i often wonder how you live your day to day life. i know you believe in a god tho i dont know how much you have delved into his existence and presence in your life. also, i dont know if you contemplate him with awe and love, wishing to know more about him and wanting your life to be lived for the sake of pleasing him, as afterall, he gave you life when you were nothing and he minds your affairs with or without your help or awareness on a continuous basis. it must occur to you regularly to reflect upon his presence in your life and what you owe to him for all of his gifts to you, the primary one being the gift of life, not to mentnion, living parents, health, eyesight, education, clothes, housing, etc.
so i wanted to invite you inshallah to reflect upon his presense in your life in a way that would yield results beyond just acknowledging that yes, there must be a god. but to really try to know him inshallah.
i will tell u briefly something :
la ilaha ilallah muhammad rasul allah
la = no
ilaha = something that is worshipped, sacrificed to, deified
ila- = except
(A)llah = Allah the One, the Self subsiting, the Living, the Eternal, the Cretor who is un created, etc
muhammad = muhammad
rasul = messenger and prophet (there is a difference)
Allah = (of) Allah
basically the muslim (the one who does silm which means submission in its entirety) submits to the truth that nothing in this universe, past, present or future, is worthy of being worshiped, of being given status, of being sacrificed to, nor resorted to, no appealed to, nor loved, nor called to witness, except Allah. the muslim further affirms that Muhammad is the messenger of Allah because only thru this messenger (one chosen by Allah, such as Nuh, Musa, Ibrahim, Isa (Jesus), can the muslim know who and what Allah is; because the information came to him and he conveyed it perfectly (a concept i'm sure u grasp as you know about prophets who came before him).
what the person (the one who decides to submit his self) is really doing is he is stopping himself from worshipping the whims of this life, realizing with a certainty that this life is a temporary life that will end at death, and instead chooses to worship the One who gave him this life and gave him wahtever he has within it, as a way to purify him so that Hecan reward him.
relating this info to our pledging, we wanted to be rewarded with hermandad and so we willingly agreed to enter a period of sacrifice and hardship due to restrictions, in order that, after an ordained period, lasting for a predetermined length, we can be admitted to the otherside, the world of hermandad, wherein were delights and interests that those outside of it can never participate in. so we willingly submitted to the tests and upon completion, we got our goal, to be hermanas to each other. the similarity really is crude but you can understand the concept i'm getting at.
so i invite you, with my best ability, to look into this concept of submission of the self for the purpose of attaining a goal of a reward that never ends and continues to increase in goodness inshallah.
do not let this world, a temporal abode of mutual boasting and showing off, to distract you from the truth of the matter. a truth one cannot escape once one takes the time to really look into it. i promise you that it wont take long, maybe an afternoon of your day, but then what comes after will be worth much more than your simple afternoon inshallah.
i invite youto look and read and contemplate with an objective open heart and to leave any misconceptions or prejudices or previous information on the sidelines and instead, study as you have never studied before because your future depends upon it and i'm like a warner to you, wishing you the best, and loving for you waht i love for myself inshallah.
ifyou have read this far, may Allah truly reward you with guidance and from His boundless bounties. if you have deleted or choosen to ignore the messege, let this messege witness for me that i loved for you waht i loved for myself, and further that it witness for me on the day that none shall avail another and the command that day will be entirely Allah's, the Lord and Cherisher of all of Creation.
i pray i have not offended but instead have given you something to think about. know that this is a hard letter to send because satan does not wish that guidance comes to you, yet i will defeat his whisperings and send this to you, and all success comes from Allah alone anyway.
and finally, i am including sites that i am personally endorsing so you will find the information easily inshallah. may Allah be with you in your quest.
with love
rahilya
this site is well organized. go straight to the non muslim area then inshallah to the new muslim area for best results inshallah http://www.kalamullah.com/non-muslims.html
this site contains a lot of great info but its worth is in the books it has online: www.abdurrahman.org
and this site is an excellent resource, i often use it to find out what the quran has to say about certain topics so i'd go there and type in a word of interest, for example patience and do a search in the translated quran and will get lots of results about patience: www.searchtruth.com
and this site is owned by a former minister (preacher in protestant christianity) who became muslim and busies himself with spreading the info. he's a wonderful preacher:) www.islamtomorrow.com
i pray these, especially the first and last one, give you an excellent overview of islam
***
Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah

Thoughts on being a Wife

2008-02-10T03:32:00.000-08:00

As Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Here are some thoughts on how to be a good wife to your husband;

Obey him with Love

Help him with Generosity

Guide him with Humility

Submit to him with Eagerness

Supplicate for him with Sincerity

Forgive him with Speed

Be his leaning post

Be his refreshing drink

Be his strengthening food

Be his perfect cover

Be his sweet taste

Counter his heat with your coolness

Calm his passion at your pool

Ease his sorrow with your softness

Stand by him even when he’s wrong

Listen to him even when he’s foolish

A husband is a unique treasure

A lesson in humility

A bounty from your Cherisher

To accept his flaws is to show gratitude to your Provider

To guide him is to show certainty in your Creator

To love him is to accept the provisions of your Lord

***************************************************************

Allah gave us our husbands, while knowing what kind of persons we were, what our strengths and weaknesses are, and where our place in the hereafter is. He chose for us our menfolk to give us the best chance possible to enter His garden, similarly in how He chose everything for us. So all thanks should be directed to Him and no complaint should be heard except to Him for He is the only one who can alleviate the servant of her perceived burden.

Though the role of a wife is difficult, and demanding, and maybe even demeaning at times, it is honestly the best of all the roles to play in this life. It is a role that demands yielding, flexibility, submission, obedience, selflessness, and above all, an absolute trust in the Wisdom of Allah.

The heart is an ever changing vessel and the Shaytan is ever vigilant enemy so draw the curtain of taqwa and stand behind the wall of eman and hold the sword of dua and repose yourself only in Allah’s majesty, so that you may not be defeated.

New Mother

2008-02-08T11:35:00.000-08:00

Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

They say when a baby is born so is a mother and Wallahi I’d like to agree Inshallah. Each day I’m learning something new about myself, my surroundings, my aspirations. Everyday I gain new insight into things and seek Allah’s forgiveness because ignorance used to cover me on many a things. I thank Allah for my daughter for she teaches me everyday, with every struggle Mashallah, what life is all about.

From her I learn to love my mother, really love her. Not the love one has for a person but a love born out of understanding, or walking in the same shoes and realizing. It’s a strong love, one that never looks at differences of opinions and willingly accepts the other’s short comings and inadequacies. It’s a love that guides the one who is loving and cherishes the one who is loved.

I’m learning to be a mother yes, to my daughter and for that I’m eternally grateful to Allah Inshallah. I’m also learning to be a daughter to my mother; to have the same innocent love and joy for her that my daughter in her innocence, exhibits to me.

Wa alaykum Salaam

Thursday

2008-02-08T11:30:00.000-08:00

As Salam alaykum

Around and around I go,

And endless circle in my head,

thoughts are rushing about

Ideas are without heads or tails

I woke up joyful

Another chance to worship

My heart determined

Sleep I had overcome

The morning was peaceful

Last minute a trip we took

The doctor was unavailable

Home we rushed in the cold

I put baby to sleep

A mound of homework I stared

Defeat woke up and knocked me down

On the couch I landed for an hour’s sleep

Eleven am and baby is crying

I struggle to reset the mood

Shall I breast or solid feed

Am fasting so no food for me

Cerelac I prepare and taste I do

Oops I forgot must to spit that out

Feed and laugh with baby

Light in my life thanks to Allah

The muadhin reminds me to pray

Wudhu I make and dress for Him

Qibla I face and raise my hands

It’s the sunnah, then fardh, then sunnah, lets pray

Asr comes and baby is fussy

Sit her down I do and go to Him

Baby sleeps, this time I clean

My husband will be happy inshaAllah

Suddenly baby wakes

She is inconsolable refusing sleep

Up and down we take the day

A text, zawjy will be late

I open my fast and thank Allah

Choppy thoughts thankful I am

Plantains I will make

Soon as I wash and dress baby

Maghrib salaat meets me in the face

A friend calls and reminds me of death

Happy I am to share my thoughts

Alhamdulillah for Reminders

Husband is home iftar we eat

Baby is fussy potty or not

Baba plays with baby, mommy has free time

To her Lord she runs, Isha to pray

Bed time for baby she refuses the clock

Tired I am and mood is down

Homework I have not done

Treadmill I have not climbed

The day has gone

The goals were eaten up

The heart is stained

The stomach is full

New goals for tomorrow

Surah al Kahf to read

Jumuah to attend

Memorizing to finish

Wa alaykum Salam wa Rahmatullah

My Grave

2008-02-08T11:23:00.000-08:00

Salam Alaykum wa Rahmatullah

I was thinking about it the other day... my grave.... a shiver up my spine...

MY REMINDER:

My Grave

Its cold and dark and somewhat wet

Moist I think is what that means

Small and constricting

It smells like bugs

I imagine the funza

Crawling all over me

Their glistening white bodies

Disgusting to behold in the daylight

Then there are also the worms

Pinkish brown, burrowing burrowing

I cannot breath, there is no breathing

I’m dead after all

What I used to do without effort

Now I appreciate and wonder at its absence

My heart has stopped beating

Hard and cold in my chest

Subhanallah everything is hard and cold

In my living there used to be the sunlight and warmth

And even on a gray day there was light and heat

And at night there was electricity

A bounty I never thanked Allah for

Water and air, clean space, motion, and companionship

All gone, taken away by their owner

I’m left alone to contemplate, for an endless minute

What I lived for and what I died upon

Who did I really worship

The world

My comforts

The adulation of people

Delusions all

But this is real

This earth I can feel it

It is no longer beneath my feet to be ignored

But surrounding me to be felt, analyzed, feared

It is looming larger than life

Literarily that is

O Nafs

2008-01-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

Oh Nafs,

A conversation is in order

So be clear and be honest

Do not be hurt by this analysis

Be encouraged that you are not dead

I wanted to inform you

So you may look to yourself

So you may know if it is true

That your passions have misguided you

Examine the following list

Open yourself

Be truthful

Do it for Allah’s pleasure

When the heart is fixated upon the dunia

When the soul desires that which glitters

When the mind is preoccupied with food

Know that trouble has coming knocking upon your door

When the fist is closed against giving

When the tongue flaps with news of people

When the ears prefer sounds of music

Know that the Shaytaan is near

When acts of worship are a chore

When it is always someone else at fault

When counting your wealth is pleasing to you

Know Jahannam’s doors are opening

When the food is craved

When the breath is taken for granted

When the TV is open and books are closed

Know you have entered the danger zone

When obedience makes you cringe

When humbleness makes you feel shamed

When sincerity is only for show

ON THE FOOTSTEPS OF IBLIS ARE YOU WALKING

O Nafs

I assure you I do not hate you

I hate the fire and its unpleasantness

Like you I desire ease and pleasure

But I want it for eternity not just now

Please forgive me if I anger you

Maybe I am upsetting you

Certainly I have stirred resentment

As you think you own this space we occupy

I simply want you to know

As sincere nasiha may help you realize

Temporal gains are worthless

If they will be burned up in an eternal fire

So I ask you to join me

For the benefit of us both

To seek that which is forever

To apply our intellect and effort together

Do not deny out of pride

Nor seek to misguide me

For on my side if Allah

Your Lord and mine too

He has Power over everything

You will not win to side against us

From today onward InshAllah

I intent Humility to my Lord

Signs of which will include acceptance

Contentment at the provisions

Lowering the gaze from this world

Counting and saving up for the Akhira

A balancing of my account nightly

To check for any discrepancies

To repair what I may have torn

To polish away rust and stains

From the one thing piece that Allah loves in me

A sound heart, one not dead, pure and soft

From today onward inshaAllah

I also intend Obedience and Sincerity

Hard tasks but do not dissuade me

Even if I do little

I know Allah loves this and is Generous

Obedience in intentions, actions and words

Sincerity is this obedience

Patience when I am tried or I fail

Steadfast despite difficulties

I declare my intentions to you

For you are a part of me

And fair warning is the Sunnah

To abandon it gives you no chance

For if we repent together it will be easier

O Nafs

Be warned that I will persevere

Strong I may not be

But determined I will remain

Victory I must attain

Subdue you I must accomplish

Do not fight me as my task is hard enough

But if you do, know I remain firm

And Allah is with me

He is my Helper, Provider, and Overseer

And in Him is my full trust

Salat as an Ocean

2008-01-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

Salaam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

A thing of depth and majesty
A creation of Allah
Having much benefit
Beautiful and calming
A place of rest
Being different than regular life
A precious containing preciousness
Its outer is attractive
Drawing a believer in

Don't you just love watching a sister in prayer
The one who stands with Khushuu
Aren't you inspired when you see
See the masses bowing and prostrating
When Allahu Akbar is called
Don't you just want to join in
To see and to feel what you imagine what they are feeling

In the ocean there are jewels to be harvested
By those with intention and focus
Who live and who dwell by its shores
Who willingly and repeatedly dive into its depth
Who learn its rhythms
Who understand its exacting standards

So too within the salaat
There can be found much benefit
For the person of understanding and sincere intention
One who knows the worth of being certain
Certain in and of Allah's promise.

Into her salat she will dive
Head long, feeling a rush
Into the rukuu she will settle
Completely immersed in the wonder
And into her sajda she will linger
Exploring with confidence
Finding precious pearls and beautiful gems
Beholding wondrous sights
Those that bring about sincere tears of appreciation

Also like the ocean
Once you leave it for a time
You become dry from the sun
And the memory and clarity starts to fade
What you have earned from trading
Those gems you had obtained from the dive,
It gets used up in daily living

So to stay away from the ocean
Is to destitute the persistent diver
So it is to stay away from salat
It is to destitute the believer

Wa alaykum Salaam

Desert

2008-01-02T14:04:00.000-08:00

As Salam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

A while ago, I wrote something and never finished it as a thought. I must have thought I would get another chance to come back and finish my writing but I never did. Today, I found it, powerful but unfinished, and Allah knows best… I cant imagine what was going on and what prompted me to write thusly but there you have it… A reminder none the less.

I often use imagery to describe feelings, and the following is no different. What I can conclude from it is that difficulties keep us sharp, constantly seeking to improve ourselves, determined not to be defeated, hungering for the better and more comfortable way. Yet, despite such obvious blessings, few if any of us love or appreciate to be in difficulty. Most if not all of us would want the life in the lush forest as compared to the life in a barren desert. Yet the one in the desert is more likely to remember Allah often and to thank Him for even the smallest of provisions inshallah. Whereas the one in the forest will most likely forget that Allah exists, except for the very occasional time when a scare occurs or he perceives something truly striking… And Allah knows best.

I’m in a desert, a barren stretch of land, nothing in sight but the occasional sand dune, and perpetual mirage of an oasis that never materialize. The sun burns hot during the day and the nights are so cold, I can only cry at my inability to withstand the contrast. My provisions, they are very small and quickly dwindling. My water bag is nearly empty and I don’t know when I can again replenish it. My food is hard, cold, and tasteless, being kept and eaten only for sustenance but void of any enjoyment. My feet, my only means of transportation are near to giving out, due to being overworked and under compensated. My clothing are not enough protection against the scorching heat nor the biting cold, let alone the waves of sand determined to wear me down into a smooth rock shape.

I stumbled into this desert stretch not without notice might I tell you. I knew this path encountered a desert and I thought I was prepared. But I wasn’t. I had walked too long a time in the lush forest, full of life in every sense of the word. Birds on trees, growth under my feet, small scurrying animals, heavy broad leaves, streams that snaked into rivers, which fell over huge rocks as waterfalls into large pools of sweet tasting water.

Food was easy to come by and in large quantities and variety Masha’allah. Drinking water wasn’t even an issue that crossed my mind. The occasional scare from a darting creature or call from a wild animal meeting its demise, were well worth the shade and easy provisions of my journey.

In the forest I forgot the direct heat of the sun and its ability to burn and heat unrelentingly. Instead I took from what was available where it was available, knowing there would be more to come and never preparing for a different eventuality.

My thought actually ended with the second paragraph and though I tried to continue the thought, I could not so I leave it as it is… I do find it a good reminder therefore I will post it inshallah, to read when I need to be reminded…

Teaching my Dear Daughter to Sleep.

2008-01-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

Bismillah Rahmani Rahim

As Salaam alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

I have actually been trying to teach dd from when she was a few days to sleep. I read countless online sites on how to help your infant to sleep and tried to implement what I was learning. There is a lot of advice out there but not a lot of quality control checks and balances to certify what works and what doesn’t. Furthermore, each child IS different and circumstances vary so much that can affect sleep for various people…

Some of the thing I implement worked right away, like the idea of resetting the clock for my dd. She was a night owl but with persistence, I managed t make her mostly a day owlJ Alhamdulillah. I’d wake her up by 7:30 at the latest and play loads and loads with her and this seemed to tucker out enough for her to sleep better and more at night. Another thing that has worked more than not is to wrap her. I make sure her arms are by her side and the blanket is such that it breathes and she cant get too hot in it inshallah. It does help a lot. And the last thing that has also worked is to give her bath before bed. She does yawn more and get very sleepy soon after the bath so that’s good inshallah.

Too much of what I’ve read has not worked though. Like walking her/rocking her etc. that didn’t work no matter what. The only one that worked in that area was to go outside walking, with her facing people… she gets tired and sleeps then… but I cant do that, especially at night Subhanallah…

Another issue for me is that I’ve had to move continents several times in my dd’s short life, each one having a different climate, different time zone or day/night patterns, and different people’s schedules. On the net it assumes seemingly that the parents are 1^st timers, its just them in a house of at least 2 bedrooms, one being the nursery, and two floors, with the nursery upstairs and away from noises and finally that the house is nt attached nor close to a neighbors so that neighboring noises do not interfere nor play a role… well thats just not my situation you know.

In USA it was most ideal. My parents own a two floor (with bedrooms upstairs), not attached to another house, in a quiet street, and they have a very calm routine daily mash Allah with few or no visitors unless announced prior. In USA Alhamdulilllah I was able to help dd adjust her internal clock but wasn’t able to get her on a schedule proper for various reasons. After that we went to UK for a short time where the neighbors are very noisy, the halls echo even the smallest sounds, there is no climate control in the house, everything makes noise in the house (like the doors, closets), everything is in close proximity to each other so a flushing toilet can be heard throughout the house and the fork hitting the plate as someone is eating can be heard just as clearly. Not to mention jet lag due to time changes. In DZ it was super hot and there were young children in the house, coming and going and playing as kids are wont to do.

Now she is 5 months, and excuses aside, dh and I are earnestly giving a go at training her to sleep. She sleeps on average during the day, about 3 hours, sometimes 4, in 30 minute to 1 hour stretches, give or take. At night, she sleeps in stretches of 1 or 2 hours the first portion, then 1.5 the second portion then 30 to 45 minutes the rest of the night, from around 1pm. Its very stressful for me as I have to wake up and nurse her back to sleep as she cant fall asleep otherwise. I’m so exhausted I the morning, I just barely do what is obligatory and spend the rest of the day between nursing to sleep my dd, playing with dd, getting laundry done, maybe having something to eat, praying my salaats on time (if I’m able) and occasionally reading a book, posting a thought on the forums, or more likely, falling asleep as I’m nursing baby to her nap or zombieing (is that even a word?) out in front of my computer screen, doing a lot of seeing and very little understanding…

Finally I decided to post online to ask for help from other Muslim mothers and though I got some responses, most of them just raised more questions instead of less. Then Alhamdulillah I attended a halaqa and two sisters told me of a plan which they had implemented for themselves and told others about it and it has worked for each mother. Now that was new. A quality checked method! I had to try it. After getting the details from the pioneering sister, I’m on my 2^nd night of trying the plan out.

The plan is simple really, ensure that baby sleeps without associating you with her sleeping, i.e. be strict, create a manageable schedule, and follow it to the letter, each and every time. Well that’s difficult for me to say the least, let alone for my baby but there you have it, I’m trying it. So far the results are promising but there are some painful gaps that need to be worked out inshallah. So after consulting with her inshallah I will take it one step at a time instead of doing the whole routine for my dd, as its too stressful for everyone involved inshallah.

So bi’idhnillah I hope to post in a few days something very positive inshallah

Wa alaykum Salaam wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu

Introduction

2008-01-02T12:47:00.000-08:00

As Salaam Alaykum wa Rahmatullah wa Barakatu
Ahlan wa Sahlan wa Marhaban
This is my new blog, a continuation of the old one, to be found here:
http://ummmairiyam.blogspot.com/
I was unable to continue posting there for various reasons so here I am with my new ones. I'm going to play catch-up next time and post some thoughts I have written but not posted yet, but I needed to have this place to put something I'd written today mashallah...
Well, read up and enjoy mashallah.
I would like to conclude by saying the following:
All my endeavors bi'idhnillah are for my Lord, and everything I write here, I write it as a way to Hisab myself and my thoughts, in order to purify myself so inshallah I can be a better "amatt" to Him. This blog will inshallah start where the other one left off, and continue to explore who and what I am and aspiring to be inshallah.
Fi amanallah...